The reality of romance does not have to be harsh. It can actually be resigned and natural. It can be soft and fleeting. As we change, so do our thoughts about the things that matter to us.
I am not the most romantic person out there, but I am not the most cynical person either. I do not have a lot of relationship experience, but what I do know, I came to realize gradually at times and at other times it struck me suddenly.
Some relationships were not meant to be forever, but rather were fleeting partnerships which were required for that time in my life.
A few things I have observed through the years:
-A couple that doesn’t fight or argue is not “perfect” - they just aren’t close. If you are close to your partner, you should feel comfortable confronting them about the things that upset you. In any relationship, romantic or not, there will be things each will do that irritates the other. It’s just how it is, because people aren’t perfect and perfection just doesn’t exist anyways. If you aren’t arguing or having hard conversations, you aren’t communicating in a healthy way and that relationship won’t be a healthy one.
-A romantic relationship (traditionally) is not one-sided. One person should not be doing all the work while the other is catered to/follows along. It’s called a partnership because there are TWO parties involved and each are equally important. If one is shouldering a great deal of the emotional burdens of the other, but the return is not equal, that is not a partnership. Emotional labor is taxing, this is true, but it causes a great deal of harm to a partner who has to play the role of emotional support throughout an entire relationship.
-Effort goes a long way. Yes, there are planners and there are followers. Some people are stuck when it comes to finding the initiative to engage emotionally or romantically. But that is okay. Admit that you struggle. Discuss how this is a struggle with your partner. But don’t stop there! If you want to make a relationship work, you have to meet your partner in the middle. Even if they accept that you are more comfortable with little effort now, later on it might not be acceptable. Talk to your partner and ask them what they need in order for them to be fulfilled.
-Establish boundaries. I can’t even begin to explain how fucking important this is. It’s not just about personal boundaries either. Emotional boundaries are extremely fragile and easy to manipulate. Pay attention to this. Relationships that lack healthy boundaries are not going to last. Repeatedly violated boundaries indicate the presence of abuse and manipulative behavior. No one should have to feel like they are being taken advantage of by their partner. No one should have to feel unsafe with their loved ones.
-A main thread of all of these hiccups is communication. It’s more than just talking to each other. It’s about making sure you don’t talk around a subject (I am so guilty of this btw) and making sure you are direct with your partner about what bothers you. And if your partner is trying to communicate with you, listen! If you don’t understand what they are trying to tell you, don’t just stop there. Please keep the communication open! Ask them questions, request specific information, do whatever it takes to make sure you understand the other person.
There are so many ways relationships can be healthy. And for centuries people have had loving and long-lasting relationships. By being aware of what you want from a relationship and what your partner wants in a relationship, you can find and maintain healthy relationships so the real life issues and real life struggles of relationships aren’t harsh or dismal.
Many people are already aware, and I don’t proclaim to be a relationship expert in any way, shape, or form. But it helps to remind myself of these things every now and again, so I’m broadcasting this reminder out into the world in case anyone needs to see it.
As always, leave a comment if there’s something to add.
Thanks for stopping by,
Carley